the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize