It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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