my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
