just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
His nipple licking is glorious
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