I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
