I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
