I'm laying in your front yard are you home
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
