i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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