you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
