What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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