At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize