You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
