So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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