please come you make the beer taste better
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
