WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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