Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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