Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
