Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize