you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
