he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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