hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
