I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
