Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize