Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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