As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
