wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
