I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Two words: blizzard sex
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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