I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
