and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
