After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
