do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Who died my cat blue again?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
