Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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