i'm lost and i look like a hooker
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
