I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
