guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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