Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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