I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
