so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
