Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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