Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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