Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
