do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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