Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize