listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize