Jerry, you need to find god
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
