I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
