You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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