Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
