mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
