turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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