On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
