I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
