You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
