I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
