Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
