i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
