I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You made out with two different species that night
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
