2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
two words: eviction party
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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