Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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