The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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