her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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