The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
