So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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