mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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