Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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