"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
